Hold Me Up

Hold Me Up

by AngeloftheOdd

Those inquisitive eyes were staring at him again. For all of Cas' powers, it seemed as if his so-called guardian angel could never tell exactly what was on his mind. Dean was always happy to take solace in that fact. That at least he could lord something...anything... over the annoying bastard. Unfortunately it also meant that he was a constant point of fascination to Cas. And those bright blue eyes were filled with questioning. An intense longing for answers Dean wasn't sure he could properly give.

Cas had been so child-like in his belief, and, in his own anger and frustration Dean had ripped the veil from his eyes and left him with nothing to cling to. Except for Dean himself. For all they'd been through, he couldn't help but look at the angel with a mixture of pity and loathing. He hadn't asked for any of this. He hadn't asked to be saved. But now they were in this together and there was no going back.

"Cas," Dean sighed. "What's the matter now?"

"I am scared, Dean. I am confused," the angel replied.

"It's okay to be confused, Cas. Hell I've spent my entire existence not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring. Most people do."

"I am not a person."

Dean shook his head. Sometimes Cas' responses made his head ache. For as long as he could remember Dean was the babysitter. And as far as he was concerned he had done a shit job when it came to looking after the people that mattered most to him. He had tried in vain to give Sam the normal life he so sorely deserved. Failed at saving his father from making the final deal with Azazel. Failed at stopping his mother from dying that horrible night. Pam had died right before his eyes. Jo and Ellen too. Bobby was going to spend the rest of his life in a wheel-chair because he, Dean Winchester, was always just too late to help the people he loved. Why should things be any different with Cas? Why was he even feeling that familiar feeling of protection welling up within him?

"No," Dean said, more bitterly than he meant to. "I keep forgetting. You're divine."

"Not anymore," Cas replied, simply.

"Goddammit, Cas. You really need to learn to understand sarcasm."

"Why?"

"Look...buddy, all I'm saying is just have a little faith, okay?"

"I do. I am an angel, Dean."

Dean sighed. It was hard to stay mad at the guy no matter how much he got on his nerves. He was truly innocent in his questions, completely oblivious that they might rankle the older Winchester the wrong way.

"Not just in God," Dean said. "I meant in yourself as well."

He placed a friendly hand on the angel's shoulder and was surprised to see him flinch away.

"Why are you...touching...me?"

"Just a friendly sign of encouragement, Cas."

To Dean's surprise, Cas smiled. He was actually almost laughing.

"Are you trying to comfort me?" he asked.

"Well yeah," Dean replied. "It's what friends do."

Cas seemed to be contemplating the statement made. He had heard the word many times in many languages. Had seen how people seemed to connect with one another in such a manner. He had once considered Uriel his friend. But he had been wrong.

"Thank you, Dean. I am glad we are friends."

"Don't mention it," Dean answered. "Just don't get all misty eyed and emotional over it."


Dean stared up at the familiar ceiling of Bobby's house. Smiling briefly at the memory. Why, of all the thoughts rushing through his head, had that particular moment in time come back to him so vividly? Maybe, a cold chill flashed across his brain, because good memories of your brother are far too painful right now. Maybe Famine was right all along. Maybe memories are all you have left. That creature screaming and howling its desire for blood down in the basement is no longer Sammy. The silent man in the corner draining drink after drink is no longer Bobby. Are you even yourself anymore, Dean Winchester?

He felt a sudden weight resting on his shoulder and he looked up to find Cas standing over him.

"Can't you use a door like everyone else, Cas?"

"I am sorry. You looked confused," the angel replied. He didn't bother to remove his hand from where it lay.

His gaze locked with Cas' and he found himself smiling. Well, Cas was still Cas that was for sure. Funny how someone who often left him for weeks at a time, who vanished in the middle of conversations, was now the one and only reliable thing in his life.

"Don't you dare leave," Dean said. "Not tonight."

Cas nodded. It was not in his nature to refuse Dean, and if it was his company he wanted it was certainly one of the more simpler requests the man had asked of him. He glanced over at Bobby's prone form, head down on his work desk in a blissful alcohol-fueled slumber.

"If you wish to talk, Dean. Perhaps outside is best."

"Yeah," Dean said. "I don't want to be here if Sammy starts up again anyways."

Laying on the hood of the Impala and staring up at the night sky had always been one of the few solaces Dean had shared with his brother. Doing the same now with Cas just wasn't the same. Oh, he loved Sam fiercely despite it all. He was family after all. He missed how things used to be. But there was never any use for nostalgia. All those little moments of peace and the belief that things might just turn out alright in the end...they were eating him alive inside. Because nothing ever turned out alright. Having Cas resting next to him was a cause of both comfort and heartache.

"I am sorry I cannot make you as happy as your brother, Dean," the angel said.

Dean had let his guard down. Was he so obvious that even Cas had picked up on his grief? Yet there had been something sad in Cas' statement. Dean had spent so much time lately dealing with his own messed up emotions that he hadn't even bothered to consider that Cas had picked up a few of his own during his time on earth.

"Nah, Cas," he said. "I'm glad you're here. I mean that."

"Why do you look up at the stars? Do you not find it boring?"

Dean laughed softly, shaking his head.

"I don't expect you to get it, Cas," he said. "It used to make me feel like there was something bigger out there. Like maybe there was something watching over us all."

"I suppose the mystery was somewhat ruined when you discovered it was me," the angel replied. There was a hint of a grin in his expression.

Dean propped himself up on his elbows and glanced over at his companion.

"Did you just try to crack a joke, Cas?" he asked. "And maybe the sense of wonder is a bit gone but...I guess it was a pleasant surprise."

"I think I do understand, Dean. Eons of watching humans...I could never comprehend their mystery either. But meeting you changed that."

"We're a sorry lot, aren't we?" Dean asked not even trying to suppress a snort of contempt.

"You shouldn't say that," Cas said. "I once said I saw only suffering and misery here. But there is so much more...there is happiness, loyalty, friendship. You were right. Before they were only words to me but now that I have felt them..."

"You are telling me I'm right?" Dean said, laughing. "Wow. That's a switch."

"You have taught me much," Cas replied. "I owe you far more than I could ever give back to you."

The angel's eyes went wide as he felt Dean's arms suddenly around him. Holding him. Fingers clutching the fabric of his coat tightly, causing him to lurch forward into the man's embrace. He sat there stiffly, unsure of what to do. Dean was crying softy against his shoulder and some foreign instinct within him made him reach up and stroke the other's hair. Awkwardly, Cas managed to free his arm from Dean's grip and he placed it around his friend's neck, pulling him closer.

"I have said something to upset you?" the angel asked, confused.

"Just shut up, Cas," Dean answered between broken sobs.

He knew he was clinging to the only salvation he had left.